Wine Descriptors Decoded: Body by Kardashian

35123BEF00000578-3632297-image-a-1_1465428416496Heavy drinking is one way to cope with the knowledge you have sexually exploited your children for financial gain. Journaling is another.

People love to mock the silly things wine nerds use to describe wine. “I’m picking up on banana Runts and a trace of IRS envelope adhesive. Anxiously elegant.” While things can get pretty ridiculous in a tasting session among wine kooks, a general knowledge of descriptors can actually really enhance the joy of wine drinking. It becomes more of a discovery process than just a means to a sloppy, slurry end. By actively engaging your senses to fully experience a wine, you will truly begin to enjoy the process and appreciate the product all the more.

OK. I’m sure your BS meter is blaring on that, but its true! And even if you don’t buy in to it, at least you will be able to read the card at BevMo so you have a tiny idea as to what exactly it is you are purchasing.

One basic descriptor, and a really easy one with which to begin, is the body of a wine. This roughly breaks down to how a wine feels in your mouth, lighter or heavier. The easiest indicator of a wine’s body is its booziness. More alcohol, more body.. which is also true for women in their 30s, as it would seem. The body, or weight, of a wine is integral to food pairing. Lighter bodied wines are better equipped for more delicate dishes, such as shellfish or poultry, while fuller bodied wines can stand up to strong dishes like braised meats or spiced vegetables.

Most wine educators and sommeliers revert to the same analogy in helping to explain body of wine: milk. Skim milk is akin to a light bodied wine, whole milk to a medium bodied wine, and cream to a full bodied wine. Does a nonfat latte feel the same “weight” in your mouth as a regular latte? And neither coat your mouth quite like a Sonic milkshake. You know they have like 47 different milkshakes at Sonic? Ask my baby. He had most of them in utero.

But to really discuss the analytical and elegant aspects of wine tasting, lets defer to America’s most analytical and sophisticated family: Kardashians & Ko. And we will use the metric most central to their contributions to society to help explain it all. Ass.

Light Body = Kendall Jenner

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Scoring contracts with Calvin Klein and Estee Lauder as well as routinely walking several fashion shows, Kendall is legitimately holding her own as a real life model. And is anything really more light in body than a model? These crisp, angular, and all around gulp-able wines fall into your summertime usual suspects. Think Riesling, Pinot Grigio/Gris, unoaked Sauvignon Blanc, Provencal rosés, and unique Italian white varietals like Falanghina and Verdicchio. There are fewer light bodied reds, but Pinot Noir, Gamay, and my preferred breakfast drink, Lambrusco, all fall into this class. In addition to low alcohol levels, light bodied wines are mostly free of wine making “leftovers” such as dead yeast cells or oak tannin from barrel aging. Much like how Kendall’s booty is free of silicone or a “freshman 15” that would require actually going to college.

Medium Body = Kourtney

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Speaking of college, did you know Kourtney is the only Kardashian to graduate? That fact always endeared her to me. But she also insists on making children with that simple minded side part so it is a bit of a wash. This balance is perfectly mirrored in medium bodied wines (that was a hard stretch), which is why these wines are best for a wide array of food pairing. The easiest way to sniff out medium bodied wines at the store is to look for alcohol percentages that hover around 13%. A huge portion of red wines fall into this category, notably of which are Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Nebbiolo, Grenache, Sangiovese, Zinfandel, and a million other ones that I can’t type. There are not a lot in the way of medium bodied whites since they lack tannin, but it is safe to say oaked Sauvignon Blanc, white Burgundy, and some darker rosés fall into this category.

Full Body = Khloé

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TWIST! You definitely thought this was going a different way, didn’t you? Well, read some proper journalistic publications (what I call TMZ) because Kim is no longer the California Chardonnay of the Ass Universe.

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Ding dong, the witch is dead. Little sister Khloé now reigns supreme. She claims hours in the gym have sculpted her copious amount of junk in the trunk and sure, whatever. Maybe her plastic surgeon’s name is Jim. I don’t know. But her booty is now as voluptuous and bombastic as a many full bodied wines. Cabernet Sauvignon, Syrah/Shiraz, Petite Sirah, Malbec, and Tempranillo all are equally banging. And there still are a couple of fuller bodied whites, most of which see some time in barrel like Viognier, Semillon, and, of course, California Chardonnay. And, yes, more alcohol. Which always makes filming, and subsequently anonymously leaking, your sex tapes a little easier.

 

I’m sure there are several other analogies to be made with this motley crew. What is Kylie? What type of Port is Kanye? What would Kim’s wine be called if she ever bought a vineyard? But there is a Keeping Up marathon on E! right now and I need to know how to braid my hair this week.

 

…the answers are counterfeit wine, whichever Port causes narcissistic personality disorder, and Whispering Wiretaps.

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