There is an actual “Fifty Shades of Grey” wine. If it were properly marketed to its readers, it would come out of a box with a free pair of yoga pants.
One of the three people that reads this has really been on my ass about churning out more regular posts. It’s my friend Tara and she is pretty aggressive. In life, in wine sales, in bed. Whatever. She just tells it how it is and lately she has been telling me if I don’t get my shit together, she is going to hog tie me. Which is weird. But Tara is also trying to find a quality man in San Diego which is akin to trying to find meaning in an Adam Sandler movie (OMG. Did Adam Sandler become Pauly Shore? Jesus. Its really been downhill since The Wedding Singer), so she may be branching out….
I was thinking about horny Tara and her S&M threats and I immediately thought of GSM blends. Mostly because she said S&M and I’m kind of a hack. GSM is short for Grenache, Syrah, & Mourvedre, the three main and most popular grapes used in this blend that originates from the Côtes du Rhône region of France. And while those French wines can technically allow up to 19 different grapes, the GSM are the real magic makers and what you will typically find in similar blends out of Australia, central California, and Washington. All of these wines pair well with grilled game, sausages, and my favorite, mushroom DiGiornos.
So, in honor of Tara and her love for both men and wine, I compare the grapes to hot guys. In the words of the late, great David Bowie, lets get this completely male threesome on.
Grenache, or Garnacha for all those Latin Lovers..
Grenache is the lightest of the three grapes in all around mouth feel, although it does bring a punch of alcohol to the blend. And much like Jake Gyllenhaal, its also kind of fruity. Like, not full on fruity… but he has an “eye brow threading girl” and occasionally does shit like this so you wouldn’t be totally surprised if he came completely out of the cellar one day. But really, strawberry and raspberry notes and maybe just a touch of clove. Two surprising facts, Grenache is the world’s most widely-planted grape and Jake Gyllenhaal once peed on someone’s leg.
Syrah, or Shiraz if you’re down under..
Syrah brings the muscle to this three way. The hammer if you will. It immediately clobbers you with dark, black fruits, and a bit of leather. While the French grapes can exhibit olive tapenade and bacon flavors, Australian and California representations are thicker with stronger fruit. The best metaphor I’ve ever heard for Syrah is from the queen of wine education literature herself, Karen MacNeil. “Syrah reminds me of the kind of guy who wears cowboy boots with a tuxedo.” Australians are kind of like cowboys. Wait, did I say cowboys? I meant felons. But I could see Chris Hemsworth wearing cowboy boots with a tuxedo. I could also see him wearing nothing but sushi but that’s because I’m pregnant and haven’t had Ahi in 6 months.
Mourvèdre , The Grand Finale
Mourvèdre brings color and bitterness. So there you go. All jokes aside, I love Kevin Hart. All women love a funny man. The only sub-population routinely marrying out of their class more often than comedians are Nascar drivers. Most importantly, just like Kevin Hart, Mourvèdre doesn’t shut the hell up. Its brings a nice, long finish to the blend since, surprisingly, the first two grapes are kinda short. In all honesty, Mourvèdre is the most obscure grape here, but if you love Cabs you might want to try a single varietal version of a Mourvèdre sometime soon. Its exhibits similar bold dark fruit and eucalyptus flavors and will definitely make you look more chic when you’re drinking it out of a paper bag during a showing of “Ride Along 2”.
You’re welcome, Tara. Hopefully that got you off…. my back.